I like how I’ve gotten like two posts in and already I’m changing the topic and direction of this? I guess that is the nature of life, that or I’m unfocused and whiny. Likely unfocused and whiny.

I often wish that I could critically look at my life, and see the paths and decisions that are needed to achieve to goals that I want. By that, I mean, I wish I had the super human ability they do in TV and movies to never fail. Or if they failed in one capacity it’s wrapped up by all of their friends joining together with them laughing and smiling. Life is rarely that nice.

I feel like I should warn you that I’m not in the most optimistic of moods today, but that should be fairly apparent by now. So, If you’d are not of the inclination to hear my complain about how everything sucks and how life is unfair you and general “woe is me” should probably run for the hills right now. 

The amusing bit is I don’t actually feel like everything is shit nor is it. While not everything is peachy keen, most things are on the up and up.

It looks like Dan will be hired on shortly, which is great. He’ll get benefits and vacation days and that is awesome for us. I’m still employed with LexisNexis, well via my contract anyway, and work there keeps me busy enough. I enjoy what I do and know how lucky I am to actually have a job right now. It doesn’t seem like they will be letting me go anytime soon but on the reverse of that, I don’t think I’ll be hired on as a real LN employee either.

We did find out recently that there is no way to get out from the student loans aside from 30 years of repayment. That sucks but not the crux of my “life sucks” day today. I’m hoping to work something out with Sallie Mae that will at least get stuff current, even if it makes no real dent I can at least show that I’m trying. I have no other real debt to speak of and actually make enough to live somewhat comfortably (well see if that’s true after I talk with SM), I have my cats, my car, my Dan, and my easy enough life.

My problem?

I want a family.

Yep. *dramatic music* The 30 year old wants kids, shocker. Steps were being made the last few months to make this possible. Taking care of the student loan stuff was one step, Dan getting hired on another, and my finding full time non-contract work was still another. I was very excited about these steps, because I wasn’t sitting around complaining. We had progress and while it wasn’t ideal, it was still progress.

So now, one of the last hurdles is me finding work that isn’t temporary. I was hoping to find something I might be able to learn a lot from so I could advance and be a benefit to where I work. Unfortunately, I haven’t worked or learned near enough to be able to take most web jobs. To make things worse, I can’t afford to return to school to learn these things. so there really isn’t much that is out there for me. I’ve considered changing directions and finding something that I can do. Unfortunately, the direction I was looking would mean a pay cut.

Then, today it hit me. Sure, I could change careers and maybe I don’t take a pay cut and find something great. That would mean I still make the most, and our lives depend on my paycheck. Family leave allows 12 weeks of unpaid leave. So, lets say I take that whole time off. Rent alone would require saving for 7 months, not that I’m above saving.. I like trying to save. But that means other plans would be out the window. (I realize how spoiled I sound here…but there are things we are saving for that I don’t want to miss..)

So, forget what I just said. Let’s say I make the same and its okay and we can save that amount. We’d actually have to save a lot more then that to cover the other expense’s during that time, plus extra food and supplies. I’ll round up a bit and it would take us about a year and a half to get to that crazy number. Now, most people would say, “Okay, that’s doable” but crazy me has deadlines.

Deadlines? Yes, deadlines. All (well most) of Dan’s friends have kids, babies to be exact. We are going to run out of time in this “window” soon. But window I mean that time when a group of people can have babies together and create a support structure around it. I’m sure people may think this is crazy but, I want to be part of this current structure. I do not want to have to go out and make new friends to create this structure.

It’s great to have kids around the same age for all sorts of reasons. I don’t want  to be the couple that never has kids when I want them, or drags a child 6 years younger then all the other kids, or make new friends for play dates. Don’t get me wrong, if that happens its wonderful, but I want to keep my current friends.. =/

So, Ill try and wrap up this crazy long post about how my life is shit when it isn’t. Basically, this all boils down to me feeling like I have to give up of my dreams of having kids. Well, no I have a choice. I can move forward and be reckless and have kids knowing I cannot take the time of work or possibly support them. Or I could give up, be responsible and just accept that fact and move on.

..I’ve been a drama queen about this too much today..



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