Weekends are usually the little deaths of my diets. During the week I have structure and schedules that keep me distracted. No time for hesitation, just doing what has to be done to get through the day. Work all day, then dinner at 6:30, exercise at 7, WoW/SWTOR raids start at 8, and then bed by 11(If I can help it). This structure doesn’t give me a lot of down time to get bored and then eat because of that.

Weekends are generally unstructured and lackadaisical affairs that support constant snacking and eating of all bad things. I also  fall back on drinking soda on the weekends, as I tend to be too lazy to make tea to drink or water is to blah. Plus, we are more likely to eat out on the weekend and not exercise. Hence, weekends make my daily weight jump up a pound or so. That doesn’t sound bad but it undoes all of the “good” eating I’ve done all week. So I’ll lose about a pound during the week and then gain it back over the weekend.

This past weekend was supposed to be a lot like that. Nothing planned for the whole weekend but a few chores and a lot of lazy time. Friday hit with some bad news and started weekend off on a sour note. Turns out student loans are still unaffected by bankruptcy and can still destroy all plans I have for my life. Fun. BUT! Things turned around Saturday with the decision to return to school and that, coupled with a great feeling of turning my life around, kept me on a great pace to survive the weekend with minimal damage to my diet. I made it through Saturday and Sunday with minor snacking. Yay.

I was very proud of myself.

Monday rolled in and I was only up 0.4 instead of the normal pound or so. Awesome way to start the week, I was very excited that things were going my way. I wasn’t hungry all day, and I felt like I could take on the world. Monday night rolled in and I was given some devastating news. I wasn’t able to get financial aid for school and private loans are completely out of the picture. I wanted to avoid more debt if possible but was willing to do that to get my goals completed. (It helped that I wanted to get deeper into a field where 80k is about starting salary.) This dashed my high hopes from this weekend and sent me down a spiral of hopelessness that I’m still dealing with as I write.

I didn’t quite realize how much hope I was hanging on this, and so the down is a lot like a 4 year old who has just crashed from a super sugar high. Lots of crying and temper tantrums. Seriously, just because I’m 30 doesn’t mean I have to act like I’m 30 all the damn time. It’s not often I can take a night and just completely break down emotionally and cry like a crazy person. I’ve got at least 2 hours before I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with life. I’m taking advantage of getting that out now instead of later when I don’t have time to be all depressed.

So, my hard road just got a whole lot harder. What does this have to do with diets? Everything and nothing. Everything because my mood will make it harder to not say “fuck it I want a brownie” or “I don’t feel like exercise today”, which will destroy the work I’ve done this past month. Nothing because this shouldn’t (ideally) affect my ability to maintain my current goals.

I am proud that when it got bad tonight the worse decision I made was to reach for a can of Mt. Dew. So It undid a little, but that;’s better then more normal reaction, which would be to go get ice cream and eat all of it…

I try to be an optimist. It’s harder when life is being crappy, but I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. I still have a house, a Dan, and many other luxuries that many don’t have. Keeping life in perspective when it gets crappy sucks but you can either sit then and whine and let life happen to you or you can get up and keep trying. Sure, my financials will be tight for a while and life will be a bit trickier but it could be worse.

Plus… its hard to be that upset when you see the scale doing down…



So this is where I whine about how I’m starving or how I want to have a chocolate bar, right? Well, while that might be true occasionally, today it’s not. I’m actually doing really good today! Yesterday was pretty great too! Okay, so I cheated. This isn’t really day 1 of the *new diet*. I’ve actually been watching my calories view myfitnesspal.com for a few weeks now so most of the huge emotional “omg I can’t fucking have chocolate!” drama has past.. or mostly past anyway.

I feel like I should share who I am and have this touching and emotional moment with you as a reader, but seriously…? Nah. If the reader is going to be me, looking back in a few months, or friends checking in I’m going to sound like a full of herself wannabe hipster with some weird internal monologue and most of them should know how I crazy I am.  So, let’s skip that. I’m sure stuff will come out and I’ll have to explain but for now let’s just agree that, until you get the fun realization that I’m a crazy person hits, I’m awesome. Cool? Awesome! Anyway…

I’ve been using an under the desk exercise bike as my source of exercise for a few weeks now. I don’t think it does a whole lot for me, but it does get me moving and that’s half the battle.  It’s crappy and cheap but durable and that’s good. I love the winter but I’m a lazy bastard and anything that can help me exercise but keep me from leaving my house to walk the 15 feet to the gym is awesome.

Under desk bike(click picture for Amazon link)

It’s not ideal but whatever. I can barely walk the 30 feet across my parking lot in the morning without feeling winded. I love to run but it’s a waste to go on the treadmill before I can at least breathe right. So my goal was to try and get 20 minutes in 3 times a week and I’ve been okay about that. I need to get better about the frequency. The little thing doesn’t burn a lot of calories or do very much other then get me moving but I wanted to use it to get me in the habit of moving often and putting that time aside. So far, it’s been awesome for that. I can play a video game, watch a 20 minute video on youtube, or surf the web and I feel good about it.

I’ll be coming up on a month of using it somewhat regularly so I thought I’d reward my efforts by buying something I’ve been wanted to get. A heart rate monitor.  I’ve always wanted one to help me know how many calories I’m actually using and how effective my workouts are being. I’ve felt all week like I want to get on a treadmill a few times a week and really start pushing myself back to that. I think that a heart rate monitor will be a nice addition to getting to that point.

Heart rate monitor w/chest strap

(click picture for Amazon link)

That one is affordable and looks to be reliable. Sure I could spend a lot on those biggest Loser ones that I adore but they are really expensive and if I discover that it constricts me or I don’t like having it on that would be a huge waste.

I feel like this is a great step in the right direction, and therefor a post. I also feel like I’me finally taking charge of this problem I have. I haven’t lost an actual weight with my program yet. I didn’t have a scale when I started, and then I gained a bit from thinking I was burning more calories than I was. Since I’ve stopped eating back my calories and watching it all a bit closed I’m back on a downward track. I’m 220lbs again but I’ve also found that my measurements have dropped a bit, which is a good sign.

We’ll see if my drive to lose continues but I’m in it for the long haul.